To the one born off my heart – Happy Birthday

Fourteen years ago, I saw your face for the first time. Fourteen years ago, I held you in my arms for the first time. Where did the years go? I see you every day and realize that you are not a little girl anymore. The feeling is bittersweet. You are in a way, my firstborn and we have been through a lot together. 

You have turned out to be nothing like I thought you’d be. Instead, you’ve turned out to be so much more fabulous. You are now beginning to have your own voice, your own thoughts. All these make me so so proud. But, it is your birthday, so I am going to take the liberty to nag you a bit with a few things I want you to know and think about. Here is a list of 10 things I have put together,

You are loved.  I know that you wish a few things in your life had turned out differently. I know you don’t speak much about it but I wouldn’t be your favourite person if I didn’t know that it affects you. So, I want you to know that even know things could have been different, you are loved by a lot of people. People who will drop everything for you in an instant. 

Don’t stand on the sidelines. Don’t watch the world go by, get in there and make your voice count. Take the opportunity. You will find yourself faced with some amazing, but scary, opportunities.  You have no idea what you are capable of until you push yourself to try new things. And you have no idea which moment will be the one that transforms your life. Don’t be afraid to make a few mistakes, I promise you we’ll deal with it. 

Boys are annoying. This does not change. Never make a boy more important than your friends or more importantly yourself.  Crushes are pretty fun. It’s pretty normal to like a boy or a girl. And, if he or she breaks your heart, I promise to hear all about it and I will get you a large tub of ice-cream too. 

You are smart, independent, funny, kind, passionate, dependable, responsible, beautiful, thoughtful, resourceful, creative, talented and worthy. You are wonderful just the way you are. Never forget that. And don’t waste your time on people who don’t see that. And, yes, stop saying, “I am stupid”. No, you are not! You are amazing.

Never apologize for how you feel. Don’t be afraid to express those feelings. Feelings are real, raw, right and intensely personal. You can’t control how you feel, and you shouldn’t try. You can control how you react to those feelings,  but not the feelings themselves. Don’t apologize for or think you have to hide your feelings. In fact, I encourage you to share them – with me, with your best friends, with someone you can trust. Don’t be dismissive of your feelings and don’t let anyone else do it too. You have the right to your own feelings.

Be yourself. There will always be people who are taller, fitter, skinnier, smarter, prettier, richer, faster, stronger, or who have more than you do. But that does not mean they are better than you or that you are lacking in any way. Instead of worrying about what others have, be grateful for what you have. You are uniquely you and that is a good thing.

Don’t be afraid to say “No.” Do not let people push you around. Stand up for yourself. Stand your ground. Speak your mind. Say no. If something feels wrong or goes against your values, just say no. Trust your gut. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Choose kindness. Stand up for those who can’t. Stand for what you believe in. When in doubt, read and learn but be strong and be kind.

Never stop learning and never stop trying. Anything that’s worth it will get hard. Whether it is karate or shooting or studying or singing, things will get hard. Don’t give up easily. If you want it, it is worth the effort. 

Continue to dream. Believe in magic. Make goals, wish on shooting stars, write notes to yourself with plans you are making for today, for tomorrow, for  your future

Remember, I will always be your greatest cheerleader. I don’t care whether you choose the simple life or whether you want to make millions. I don’t care what career you choose or what person you love. All I wish is for you to be happy!

For now, enjoy your fourteenth year! Hope you have the best year yet!

 

OMG! You are eighteen!

How did this happen so soon! How did you sneak up right under our noses and grow up so quickly!

You are really 18! You are officially an adult! And, what a fine young adult you have grown up to be.

The first time we met, you told me to ‘give you a call’ if  I needed anything because I was new in Bangalore. You were all of ten -cute and wide-eyed. The first thing I noticed was how kind you were.

 

When I married your father, you almost took me under your wing. Sometimes you even tried to protect me from his anger. I remember that message you once sent him, ‘Don’t get angry with her daddy, she only has us in this house’ – You were 11 years old. Thank you for making me a part of your family.

You may not have my eyes or my smile but you surely have a large part of my heart! I did not give you the gift of life, Life gave me you as a gift.

I often wonder if this relationship we share has a name, I have attempted not to be your parent, but just someone you know will always be there, unconditionally no matter what happens.  As you grew up, we went through our own journey. We laughed, we fought, we made memories. Memories I will hold always hold close to my heart.

Today, you are an adult.

With this comes responsibilities, You will have the power to make decisions but also the burden of making the right ones, the ones that you will have to own for yourself.

Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. Yes, you’re now officially an adult, but that definition goes far beyond just being a number. Being an adult means being responsible with all aspects of your life. There is plenty of time to move out and live on your own.

For the next few years, you should be discovering who you are as a person, going to college, and learning from the mistakes of the adults around you. There are many of us who came before you that have made plenty of mistakes, and I have made a LOT of them.

Think long-term and not short-term. The decisions you make now can haunt you forever. You don’t want to live with that kind of guilt. But if you do make mistakes, learn from them, dust it off and restart your journey.

Ask for advice. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness, instead, it is a sign of maturity that shows you know the depth of your limitations.

If someone gives you constructive criticism, don’t assume they’re being critical. Take it for what it is and smile. It may be the best advice you ever receive.

Above all else, remember you are loved.

Even though we don’t spend a lot of time with each other anymore, remember that you are loved. You are surrounded by people who would each give their own lives to protect you and keep you safe. None of us want to see you fall, fail or get hurt. Your family is forever.

We have dreams for you but honestly that does not matter, what matters is what your dream is!

This is your story… Make it a good one. It doesn’t need to be about money or a career or ambition. Make it something that look back on when you are 40 and are happy about.

Happy Birthday Khushi!  Be happy always!

Love you

 

 

On your sixteenth birthday

Dear Khushi,

It is six years since I have known and loved you. And as you hit your sixteenth year, I thought of a few words for you…

First of all, I want to thank you for making a part of your family with open arms. I want you to know how proud I am of you.  You’re brave, bright, brilliant and beautiful.  You impress and amaze me every day.

I know we haven’t had the smoothest of rides and we have disagreed on many things. I have nagged, annoyed and irritated you. Even when I have been impossible you have never once questioned my authority on you.

I am sorry for what you have lost.  I am sorry that it hasn’t been ideal, but I hope you know that that you are loved beyond measure and we all wish that you have a life filled with wonder, joy, and magic.

It doesn’t matter to me what you choose as a career or where that takes you, it doesn’t matter to me if you make millions or live simply, what matters most is that you are happy.

The day I formally became a part of your life

As I always nag you, it wouldn’t be normal if I didn’t do it today, so today I want to share a few things with you.I hope these bits of advice will help you make decisions when you are in a fix

• You are beautiful.  Don’t doubt that for a second.  Don’t let anyone make you feel differently.  Surround yourself with people who lift you up.
• Don’t sell yourself short. You are worthy. You are worthy of love.  You are worthy of respect. Never let anyone ever let you doubt that.
• Don’t be in a hurry to grow up.  Life isn’t a race.
• Enjoy the journey of your teenage, make a few mistakes. You may have your heart broken.  It will feel as if you can’t breathe.  You will wonder if you’ll every smile again.  You will.  Trust me.  And if you need a shoulder or an ear, I’ll be there.
•  You will fall in love and find the one, if you are looking for one. If you never want to settle for anyone, that’s all right too..
• You will be blissfully happy.
• You are not alone.  No matter where you are, no matter how lonely you might feel, you are loved by a whole bunch of people who will drop everything and rush to you.
• Just because it feels good, doesn’t mean it’s right.  A cheap thrill is not worth losing your dignity, self respect or long term happiness.
• Irrespective of that if you do make a bad choice, it’s fine. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for making a bad choice.  You’re smarter than that. Learn from the bad choices and create your life in a way that you can laugh about it.
•  Don’t take it all so seriously, it’s just life. Risk.  Dare.  Dream.  Choose the adventures.
• It’s none of your business what other people think about you.  Anyone who doesn’t see how fabulous you are isn’t worth your time.
• Never be afraid to speak your truth.
• you are one of the kindest people I have met. Never lose that, I do hope that sometime in the future that your kindness turns into a part of what you make of yourself.

And, again this is just what I feel, You write the story.  Write a story that makes you happy.

Happy Sixteenth Birthday my baby, Stay blessed…

 

A prayer for all the daughters out there…

For those who don’t know me, I raise a teenager. She is 14 now. I say, I raise her and not we is pretty much because only I do. My husband raised her alone for about 5 years from when she was five till she was ten. That’s when I married him after which he handed her over to me and ever since I have been raising her. Today after teenage hit her, he is pretty much obtuse about what her life is about. Yes, I am the step mom but there is no melodrama about it. In the last couple of years, living our lives in general, School, PTA meetings, uniforms, exams, lunches, clothes, fighting, sulking, we conveniently forgot the step-mom situation.

But that is not today’s story. I wanted to share a recent experience which made me very uncomfortable

We have two ongoing fights, One where she fights with me because she is not allowed to go out by herself. I always pick her up and drop her from wherever she has to go. Second, I fight with her because she does not wear Indian Clothes. Wearing a Salwar-kameez is not cool and I get super irritated with this.

Last Sunday, we were in an Auto. It stopped at a red light and with 20 seconds to go for the signal to turn green and a bike stopped right next to us on her side. Without realising that there was an adult in the auto, they passed a comment about her. I quickly moved her over to my side, looked at the guys straight in the eye and asked him if he had a problem. I asked them to pull over. Just then, the light turned green and they zipped away.

That night during dinner, I mentioned to her that it was incidents like these that scare me from sending her out by herself and if that guy could attempt to pass a comment right in front of me, it scared me to think what else people could do if she was alone.

Very earnestly, the kid looks at me and says, ‘If I wear a Salwar- Kameez, then can I go out safely?’

Something inside me was crushed.

A 14 year old, did I do this to her? Did I propagate to her that somehow she was responsible for that stupid incident because of what she was WEARING? Not that it mattered, but she was wearing a loose tee and jeans.

I looked squarely at her and said, ‘You are not responsible for what happened and you will wear what suits you. Wear what you are comfortable in & what you choose. Yes, use your common sense to be safe wherever you are. But do not let an outsider define what you wear. A pervert will pass a comment even if you were covered from head to toe that is his character and he is responsible for it’

I explained to her that my wanting her to wear Indian clothes had more to do with looking good, looking traditional at festivals, which was a completely different topic and very far set from this.

How many more generations will this go on? How does some random guy on the road think he has the right to shoot his mouth at some woman on her body, on what she wears, and how she looks.

While she looked up at me just as she was going to bed and said, ‘ You know, what, I love you and I really loved what you said’, I smiled and said a silent prayer knowing she would never know how paranoid I am about her safety.

Signing off with a prayer for all our daughters…

“May all our daughters have the ability to return home…”

Picture Credit – Sambrita Basu

Durga Puja is celebrated across India marking many victories, but the Bengali celebration has to be my favourite.  The exuberance and larger than life celebration is an all-encompassing phenomenon. While I was silently living through all the emotions being posted by my Bengali friends on social media, it was clear that the event in itself was more than religious; it also has a large social connotation.

Among all the religious stories behind this ten-day long celebration, my favourite story is that this fortnight is the annual visit of the “Goddess (referred to fondly as Maa or Mother) Durga” to her maternal home. And after nine days, she returns home back to her husband (Lord Shiva) which is symbolized by immersing the idol in the sea. On the day of immersion, as the goddess leaves for her husband’s home, the hearts of Bengalis everywhere, I hear feel a collective sorrow. The goddess that day becomes their daughter, who leaves for her husband’s home. Then starts their period of longing for her to return the next year…

A friend mentioned a phrase from one of the many articles written on Durga Puja – “May all our daughters have the ability to return home…”

This phrase stirred a very uncomfortable emotion in me, why does going home warrant a prayer?

But it does, doesn’t it?

Whether it is

The times when I unconsciously asked my husband, “Can I go visit my mom this month?” Or when many of my friends with daughters have worried about their safety.

Surely it warranted a prayer in my mom’s heart when she waved at the station every time I went back to the hostel after the holidays. Why else would there have been that – one tear, which at the time I didn’t give any importance to – After all, I was going to college, what was there to cry about?

Why do our daughters need prayers to return home?

Am I sad at this thought or angry?  I am not here to start a social revolution but I sure wish that it was easier for a daughter to return home.

Sambrita with her amazing daughter Nyja

Easier if she could hold on to her first family as she nurtures one of her own.

Easier if the onus of her family’s honour was not on her shoulders to guard and protect

Easier if she was not blamed for being leered, jeered or touched

Easier if she could find a way to speak her thoughts

Easier if she could just say “NO, that’s enough!

There are many arguments.  Women have to take a stand, fight for their rights, etc. But many times, a woman is fighting a silent battle. Why, because her problems are not so big that they need intervention but not so small that she is not affected by them. Because most times, even in a happy life, a woman is left wanting one thing – a little respect.

Men sometimes, even good men have been obtuse to this silent battle.

If I had a son, maybe I could raise him to give the woman in his life a voice, even when they don’t openly ask for it.

So, here I ask all my female friends who have sons for help, let’s create better men, and teach them to go beyond being good husbands and good fathers. Teach them to respect the women in their lives as their equals, ask their opinion, and trust their judgment.

And I pray that “My girls always have the ability to return home”… And I promise never to impose conditions on my love or your place in YOUR home